YELLOW

Let me explain the title first. Well, actually it has nothing to do with whatever it is that I am about to say. I just wrote it because I'm wearing the most happy color yellow shirt today and it's the only happy thing I'm wearing today, the rest is the irony, the smile, the face, the pretentious face, everything is miserable. And I hate it, I hate it because I let it consume me. This whole retreat thing is not the best nor the worse idea. They give you time to think, to be at peace and the moment you submit yourself.. that's the moment you start screwing things up. And that's the thing about doing nothing, you allow yourself to think and remember and open something you shouldn't because the moment you do, everything gets into you, you lose control, well in my case, I'm feeling miserable. hay ambot tung ina, masakit na.

I quit, but just because I did doesn't mean it's over. I srsly feel miserable. I just wish someone sees this. I wish someone feels this. Am I too much and too good of a pretender? I'm too afraid to know what might, what could, what should and what will be if I lose control over the things and feelings I keep. See, I don't see the two sides of the coin, such a cliche, i know. I only see the negative of what things ought to be or whatever it'll turn out to be. I'm too afraid, I rather not do anything than do something and make myself look and feel pathetic. And there you go, i said it.

Hi my name is Marga, I've fallen hard, for 8 years I fell hard and bad and no one knew I did so I stood up and tried to be strong while I was healing. After a year, I stopped and tried not to look back, I continued walking, I was free again, I walked fast, thinking that it would get me ahead of the past until I bumped into something, I tried not to fall, I tried my hardest so I continued walking, the bumps are still there but I tried not to notice. I succeeded, I didn't fall, but it didn't last. One day, that thing bumped into another thing, and I saw it right in front of me. I didn't mind it and continued walking, this time slow, slowly, and while I did it, slowly too I started falling. I shouldn't have looked back. I shouldn't have let it walk with me, i should have walked alone. Because this time it's harder to be strong, harder to stand up, harder to move on. It's harder when you try so hard not to fall but you failed and so fell for the thing next to you. And it's the hardest when you know you've been in this same damn switch, but you still don't know what best to do so you do nothing and hurt yourself all over again.

Please help me do the right thing.